Finding a way to smile everyday.

Especially after a big cry 😉

The age old question…

Who… are… you…?

Well my name is Angeline Puranen… On a lot of levels, I’ve felt like Alice in Wonderland herself. I’ve looked through the looking glass and have seen the evils I’ve let reign on my existence through pains from the past. 

My gut instinct to that question is to rattle off what I’ve done, the achievements I’ve made, and totally leave out the failures, the part where I left some of those projects on a shelf collecting dust, the various hobbies I picked up then lost interest in before I got good, and all the other mistakes that are part of this human experience. I want you to see me for who I am; a perfectly flawed human that regularly looks death right in the eye and said not today satan. For egos sake I have written a sales pitch so you don’t completely discredit me as a viable human to get advice and perspective from – you can read that here: Life History

For a long period of time I sort of had 2 lives. One where I was a successful, motivated, and overworked intelligent woman. This was originally classified as ADHD and the meds worked, until they didn’t, until they did again, until they sometimes do now. The other life where I was a complete degenerate who randomly stayed up all night just to boogie away the pain I held in my body and have deep discussions with whoever would listen. 

Up until I was 32, I unknowingly had what therapists call complex post-traumatic stress disorder (AKA cPTSD). It took bravely ending a 6 year relationship I was secretly absolutely miserable in and a lot of psychedelics for the repressed memories to start barreling through me like a freight train and sometimes smash my brain like an accordion. 

Being in that long-term relationship did open me up in ways I’ll always be grateful for. Prior to that, I kept my sh*t to myself. This created difficulties in forming relationships that were actually deep, even though that’s all I craved. It was hard for me to open up fully about the emotional weight I was carrying. I was good at brushing it off with a good “it is what it is, and it ain’t what it ain’t”. People would treat me poorly and rather than look at why I allowed the dynamic to unfold, I’d simply jellyfish right out of the situation and anything tied to that dynamic. It was easy when I wasn’t attached to the love I had for the human behind the action. 

Once the repressed memories started barreling in though, it’s really all I could process. Friends that barely knew me now knew the entire shit storm that I swept under the rug of creative distractions and people pleasing. I lost a year to that pain. It took a “rock bottom” of sorts to start climbing out. The months that followed were ripe with regressive behaviors that are now just hilarious stories of the things I once did to create safety, but decided to try one more time just to make sure they did not work. 

Letting someone that deeply into your life does something to you though. It opens the door for deeper and more vulnerable connections. In fact, once I had started dating again it was hard for me to fathom even being sexually intimate with someone unless they knew the BS baggage I carried. Luckily, I’ve since realized that this is definitely not the case and you totally can (and should) keep some of your personal demons a secret until people have proven to be safe and committed enough as a friend to let them in. 

So back to the question: who am I? 

I’m still in character development, I would argue who isn’t though? From mid 2023 to the present, I feel like my soul was picked up and smashed onto the hardwood floor. Since I’ve been picking up each piece of me to figure out where exactly it belongs, how much space is healthy for it to take up, and how I can love it regardless of how much pain it has brought me in the past. Then carefully puzzling it back together with gold like a kintsugi project. The project has been quite the undertaking. There have been times I’ve wanted to throw pieces out cause I hated them and wasn’t sure they belonged just to learn that regardless of the uncomfortable emotions that piece brought up, I had to love it cause without it I wouldn’t have the perspective I have today. 

If I had to describe myself in my current state, which is evolving at a rapid rate that makes me hopeful for the gold infused future ahead… I would say I’m dramatic, comical, loving, vulnerable, bold, expanding, supportive, imaginative, and sometimes smart. I’m committed to character development through plot building and I don’t skip chapters. I pick up and drop hobbies like they’re hot potatoes. I absolutely love meeting new people, almost more than I love going deeper with old friends. Sometimes I’m so hyper fixated on a task I barely feed or hydrate myself. I’m learning how to let passion, devotion, and joy take the front seat while still maintaining balance, routine, and eating all three meals. I’m a complete work in progress as I untangle the cPTSD episodes that leave me totally unhinged. Some days I feel like I am shipwrecked in the middle of the sea holding onto a piece of plywood for my dear life and others I feel like a badass pirate ready to drop her booty wherever she wants knowing that treasure is in the eye of the beholder. On the best days though, I feel like a queen reigning grounded action over all my dreams and aspirations 

What to expect here.

This is a space where I’ll be blogging for perspective, exploring philosophical ponderings, and perfecting my stand up bits. I can only hope that you find entertainment through relatable experiences, comical responses to everyday mishaps, or completely hate on me like I’m one of Taylor Swift’s exes. Pick your pill. I’m offering the entire spectrum of colors on top of the usual red or blue. Taste the rainbow baby!